*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
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I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
What?