Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost