Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.