american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you