co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
What flavor cupcake are these
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.