Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.