I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁