Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.