*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
There’s no “us” in nachos.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser