Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.