Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
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*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.