Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken