Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks