Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
live long and prosper!
Autocorrect is my menesis
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move