Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
That’s no pocket rocket.