Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.