whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“I wouldn’t.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.