i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i鈥檒l take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don鈥檛 serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Here鈥檚 a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It鈥檚 wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly