You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
You Might Also Like
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.