imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.