Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*