Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
what it’s like dating me:
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers