Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move