Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
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Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.