Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Smile Twitter, Smile.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.