ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
War & Peace
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.