Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
at ease…shoulder.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.