something like this could probably happen to anyone
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If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Nice try, NASA
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?