I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone