Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
You Might Also Like
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
#catsoftwitter
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
getting groceries
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.