reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart