My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I bet birds love this building.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.