Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
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A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro