Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets