Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
You Might Also Like
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
every single time
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: