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NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”