Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
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Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.