I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it