When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..