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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.