I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Dress for the job you want to sleep at