are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
This was the best day of my life