Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
You Might Also Like
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
This could be us but you eatin’
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably