My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.