It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.