my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
All set.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”