[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???