10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
ibopfufen
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP