Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
This dude got his own movie?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.