My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Care for your back
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I feel seen.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.